I feel like I post only about my children and the funny and crazy things that happen in our home. Well, God is doing a mighty work around here too and I'd like to share some of that with you.
For starters, I feel like the Holy Spirit has been putting several blogs and families in my path with very large families. This started out when I met a sweet couple last September who were due to have twins in February. These twins would be numbers 4 and 5 of 5 children 5 years old and under. I was pregnant with Boaz at the time. Recently I read a book called "Managers of Their Homes." In the back of this book there are 24 family's schedules typed out. A large amount of these families have 8 children. Even more recently I have stumbled upon SEVERAL blogs written by women who have 6, 8, and 10 kiddos. Most of them are middle school age and under. Frequently these families have newborn babies or are expecting a new arrival. These families are mixed with home grown little ones and adopted little ones.
Now, Albert and I have talked a fair amount about adoption, birth control, future babies and the like. We definitely feel like God is calling us to care for many children. When I was pregnant with Boaz, before any one knew, we found out that a young cousin was expecting a baby. We talked and prayed over this and offered to adopt this baby. As you know, this did not go through. Since having Boaz, we thought we'd like to wait a little while for our next bundle of joy and talked about looking into foster/adoption for number 3. God obviously has other plans and our own "home grown" number 3 will be arriving in April. We are excited for this little one's arrival but are very........well, I'm not really sure how I feel.
For those of you who have kept up with me on facebook, you know that I went through quite a struggle a few weeks ago. I have to admit that I have already been on an emotional journey and feel quite silly when I read of these ladies having many more children than 3, but this is still a big time in my life. I have struggled with wondering how in the world I will care for three children under three years old and clean my house and use my first energies for my husband. How am I going to care for them when Albert is gone? Why has God decided to give us another little one so soon? I have shamefully even gone so far to ask God if he is really sure this is a good idea. I feel like some of these concerns at least have a little backing. I had a cesarean with Canon and every piece of medical reporting says that the next baby should not be due less than 18 months out from a cesarean, especially for trying a VBAC. I felt like we already risked it once with Boaz and is this time going to be safe? I know that all of my questioning is a complete lack of faith in God and a desire to rely completely on myself and the doctors. But, I must be honest, this is where my thoughts have been. I have been completely reminded/convicted/challenged to rely completely on God. This is the battle/lesson that I wrote about on facebook. I cannot make it through one single day without God. Even now, with just the two and being pregnant. There is no way that I can eat enough or sleep enough to have the energy I need to do all that needs to be done in one day. Only the intervention of the Holy Spirit will fill that bucket. I am still learning this each day.
As I continue to learn more about parenting my boys and shepherding their hearts, I see that the task is even more overwhelming. I have a terrible memory already, how can I memorize all of the scripture that I need to know to train my boys in the way they should go? Maybe at this point I should just highlight and bookmark them. It wouldn't be so bad to pull out my Bible for some clear direction from God's word for the boys. Yes, Boaz is already needing some redirection and Canon is well into the years of discipline.
So, among my thoughts of worry and despair, I have a great many things to be thankful for. One is that I have not been physically sick from pregnancy one single time. This is completely from God's provision. With the boys I was sick very randomly and throughout pregnancy. To be 11 weeks and not be sick a single time is amazing. I am also thankful that my boys are so sweet and loving. Canon will often tell the baby good morning and kiss my belly. He is learning to be such a good big brother, I just have to be patient with him. Boaz is so loving as well. He has no idea about the baby, but he looks at his big brother with such adorning eyes. He seems to long to interact and play with him. Canon can often be heard making very loud noises and Boaz has recently started to enjoy mocking these. I'm sure the baby will start moving to the noises of his/her big brothers soon enough. Another thing I am thankful for is that God has helped me to persevere in a time of great trial. I have a very difficult time dealing with the emotional yo-yo of Albert being gone and the business of our home, but God has given me great success with little things throughout the day and big emotional things. I still have a long way to go, and I'm not sure that that makes sense to the reader, but just know that God is definitely working on me and I hope the fruit will start showing soon.
Our God is a mighty God and I am excited to train the next generation of daddies and mamas and husbands and wives. Right now we just have husbands and daddies to train, but maybe we'll have a little lady mixed in in the future.