Friday, October 10, 2008

Safe in the Fold

Jesus my rock, my refuge, my all
In you will I trust, in you will I call
And praise you forever for blessings untold,
Your right hand upholds me
Though stormy the way
Though thunders may roll
Your spirit of peace shines in my soul
The sky may be cloudy and the night may be cold,
Yet under your watch care
I'm safe in the fold
Your right hand upholds me,
I'm safe in the fold
I'm safe in the fold
All glory to you
I look to the day when I enter through
The gates to the kingdom and worship to you
There I will ever be
Safe in the fold
Your right hand upholds me
I'm safe in the fold
I'm safe in the fold
Your right hand upholds me
I'm safe in the fold (repeat)
-Sons of Thunder
This song has been an amazing source of comfort through trials and celebrations over the last few months. Some of the times that I have cried out this song the most have to do with the expectancy of our newest little one and Albert's deployments. The truth in this song has brought me so much comfort.
Albert's deployments are always a challenge. I tend to sing this song, on repeat, after we have dropped him off or am just having a really hard day. I seem to feel wrapped in Jesus' arms when this song is pouring out of my heart.
I don't think I've expressed the emotional journey I've been on the last couple of months. I feel like I am on the right path now, but I was stubborn in getting here! When we first thought we were pregnant the test was not strongly positive or negative. Since I only take tests when I am pretty sure (very late) I am pregnant, so that I'm not wasting money, I was very surprised and saddened. A week later I took another test and I was shocked by the result. Yes, I am a woman who is still working on having self-control over my emotions! I laughed out loud and the questions for God started rolling. There were several times that I was at home and in a semi state of panic and turned this song on. I know the words of this song are true. I know that God has a plan for our family and this baby, but I could not shake the questions. The responses we have received from people we know and complete strangers has not been completely encouraging either! I often think "are we in a relationship close enough for you to say that?" or "maybe I should just smile and change the subject." I don't think I've seen eyes get any bigger or questions about birth control and surprise shoot out of people's mouths any faster then over the last several weeks. Well, while I've been having a pitty party God has continued His work. Thankfully! He has humbled me again and again and again. So much so that I sometimes find myself slipping into the opposite mind frame of "I'm not worthy!" Well, I'm not worthy and I know that I cannot make it through one day with out completely relying on HIM. He has reminded me of dear friends who desperately want a baby and has shown me families with 5 children 5 and under, 5 children 4 and under, added 6 children in three years to the previous 4 children.....making 10 children. I'm not even sure how I found some of these blogs and women. God has truly led me to some of the work He is doing. It has been so humbling and encouraging. These blogs have made me feel like a wimp and capable. I'm not saying that I won't dip on the roller coaster of life. I am still a sinner, but at this point I am able to be safe in the fold of my Father's wing knowing that He is in control and I am happy about it!
Please don't feel that we are unhappy about our Little Duck's arrival. I can hardly wait for him/her to arrive. I already have great plans for the bedding and am brainstorming coming home outfits, rearranging drawers and closets.....I just was very over whelmed thinking of how I was going to survive in my own strength. Well, I'm not going to survive in my own strength! This family is something that only God can handle and He is willing to take the lead from me! What a blessing!


Cathy said...

Robin, You are one amazing woman! Thank-you for sharing from your heart in such transparency of what God is teaching you!! The lyrics to the song were great. I saw that you have been in contact with our friend Erica through her blog. She too, is such a Godly woman/mother. If you would ever want to call her and talk to her about what it is like with "five under five", I can give you contact information. I know she would be happy to talk to you. And, Robin, if you ever need to just get away while Albert is gone feel free to come up and see us for a couple of days! We would love to have you. I will be praying for you.

michellelivingston said...

Robin, I finally got busy and figured out how to comment back from your blog. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your life including trials and victories with all of us. I love seeing how the boys and baby duck are growing, and reading your inspiring words. I hope that our friendship can continue to grow. Love, Michelle

tillery said...

Robin, thank you so much for this post. I pray for you often.

A few disjointed thoughts:

In our family, I WAS the third child in three years, and there was another little stairstep after me. My mom and dad were on the mission field, and Mom was often alone. I've frequently thought of the energy drain I must have been on my poor mommy, lol.

I am also a mother who would've loved to have more children.

You are a wonderful mom. When we watch your little tykes, it is so obvious that they are loved and carefully nourished. I would think that the feelings that you've had are fully understandable, more born of fatigue and hormone overload than of lack of faith.

Our world needs defenders of the faith and of the home, and you are honored to be on the front lines of that eternal struggle. On a day when you might feel like an utter failure, you have just added more bricks to the foundation of your children's lives.

I'm sorry that you've had to deal with other people questioning or judging what is none of their business. :(